Short Story: What’s A Goblin Gotta Do To Get a Drink Around Here?


“Is that a grenade in your pants? Or are ya just happy to see me?”

“Woowoo, baby! Lemme show ya!” the goblin scrabbled furiously at the drawstring of his pants and shoved his hand down inside.

The gobliness, and now baroness–Baroness of Boom to be precise–snickered.

Out came a hand grasping a green, pineapple-shaped, metallic object. The rowdy goblin shoved his other hand down and fished out yet another grenade. The rash action had an unforeseen (or was it?) consequence that left the goblin with nothing supporting his pants, which dropped down to reveal [censored][censored][censored][for-the-love-of-God -censored].

The baroness snickered and rolled her eyes. “Eh,” she shrugged diffidently, “I’ve seen bigger.” She turned away, hiding a smile by downing a shot of Brains.

“You wants bigger? I GETS bigger!” the goblin dropped the already forgotten grenades and bounded towards her…until he tripped over his pants. His eyes never left the gobliness as he bounced back up, yanking his pants up in a practiced manner that suggested this might be a frequent occurence. He finished his bound to her side, “So…you, me, a bottle of ‘shine, the back of a trashed out ’99 Herkimer Battle Jitney at midnight. Whaddaya say, hotstuff?”

“Flattery will get ya everywhere.” She smirked at him and batted her eyes.

“I know where I wanna get!” the goblin made eyes at her guns. No, really, her guns.

She coyly settled a hand over the pistolgrip of her weapon. “Ah, ah…not so fast there, gunslinger.” Her eyes glanced towards the empty glass. She swirled it around suggestively…well, really, it was more obviously…heck, even the old blind guy could have figured it out.

BangBang slapped a hand on the bar to signal the barkeep. “Barkeep! Another round for me and her Boominess!”

A pair of goblin scamps recovered the grenades and dashed off under a table where they sat fiddling with their newfound toys. “kaboom!” Mad giggling.

The bartender eyed the goblins and moseyed over. She set up a pair of glasses that had seen better days. The glass was murky and dull. It did nothing to highlight the characteristics of the liquid she poured into them…which was probably for the best. The ‘shine was a murky, dull coloration as well, and smelled more of kerosene than anything palatable. Not that it seemed to bother the goblins. Ruel and Brains. The goblins that now overran Dust Town and Fort Hope treated Ruel and Brains is if they were haute cuisine. The Big Kaboom might have been a tragic event for the humans, elves, and other ilk, but goblins, with their industrial-strength stomachs, rabid breeding habits, and general lack of taste had thrived.

“Kaboom!” More giggling, followed by a “ping” as a ring pulled free and dropped to the dusty, littered floor. “Oops.” The goblin scamps had time to look at each other before a thunderous explosion blew the table upward, shattering it into wood shrapnel. Wood splinters and goblin innards plastered everything in a thirty meter radius.

Thank goodness for those rabid breeding habits.

Blammity Jane, veteran of the Battleground, coolly fished out an eyeball from her glass and flicked it over the bar. The bartender scowled at her. What’s a grenade or two? Heck, she had faced dragons, the infamous Badtooth even (and had the trophy to prove it). How many goblins could say that? Well, at least two, since her erstwhile companion, BangBang KaPow had also faced Badtooth. But we are pretty sure BangBang is a bit brain-damaged. Though with goblins it’s hard to tell.

BangBang gulped down his ‘shine and coughed violently. The goblin hacked up a tooth and spit it out in the general direction of the floor. “Wow, this batch has got some bite to it.”

“What?” His witticism was lost to the temporarily deafened baroness.

“What?” BangBang whapped the side of his head to make the ringing go away.

The gobliness shook her head and waved at the bartender, and mouthed the word “more.”


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